Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize