My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize