Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
we're making bets on your personal life
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
