i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
