Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
