im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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