omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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