i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Let's get the cat blown out
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
