You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
