Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
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