Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
