I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize