No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
