One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
