Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
