Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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