The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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