Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
