He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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