So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
