I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
