made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just google imaged poop.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Who died my cat blue again?
You are a genius and a whore.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
