Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize