I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
