laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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