I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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