Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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