Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
