dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
