We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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