So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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