I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
