Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
