You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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