I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
