Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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