all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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