Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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