i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Randomize
