i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
