I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
