either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He did a backflip because drugs
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
