I am puke
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
