Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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