when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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