everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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