The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
