if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
