So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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