Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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