Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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