My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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