Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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