I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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