I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Don't EVER smell your tampon
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So apparently I’m into choking now
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
