she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I need to align my fucking chakras
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
