you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
