I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
