i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
