How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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