just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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